A Very Voldy Christmas
by Flair Verona the Slytherin Queen
Summary: A Christmas oneshot of pure stupidness but hopefully funny. I hope you like it!


A/N This is yet another Christmas oneshot. This one happens to be a parody or just insanely stupid…I've yet to decide. This will not feature and real couples. This is mainly just Voldemort and complete ramblings. I hope you at least find it funny.

Warning, I don't own Voldemort or any Harry Potter characters. It's sad but true. Although if you wanna get me a really great Christmas gift you could always resurrect Cedric, Sirius, and Dumbledore!

A Very Voldy Christmas

"Welcome one and all to Lord Voldemort's Christmas show! Now give it up for the Dark Lord himself!" Announces Wormtail.

There is absolutely no applause. In fact all you can hear are some rather pathetic sounding crickets.

"Thank you for joining me for the Christmas season. You see I have always been a push over for Christmas. And this Christmas I have a present for you all! I will have a select few of my death eaters do a performance for you all. They will sing and dance. I even have some junior death eaters for your entertainment! Now to our first performer. His name is Severus Snape and he will performing "Santa Baby." Now give Severus some Christmas love!" Voldemort cheered loudly in his snake like voice.

"Oh come on! Do I have to sing that song!" Severus exclaimed over the laughter of his fellow death eaters and sound of the music.

"Yes, or you will be hit with the killing curse." Voldemort announced grinning evilly.

"Fine, have it your way." Snape conceded.

In a deep velvety singing voice Severus began to belt out the song; " Santa baby, slip a sable under the tree, for me  
I've been an awful good girl  
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa baby, an out-of-space convertible too, light blue  
I'll wait up for you dear  
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Think of all the fun I've missed  
Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed  
Next year I could be oh so good  
If you'd check off my Christmas list  
Boo doo bee doo

Santa honey, I wanna yacht and really that's  
Not a lot  
I've been an angel all year  
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa cutie, there's one thing I really do need, the deed  
To a platinum mine  
Santa cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Santa baby, I'm filling my stocking with a duplex, and checks  
Sign your 'X' on the line  
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Come and trim my Christmas tree  
With some decorations bought at Tiffany's  
I really do believe in you  
Let's see if you believe in me  
Boo doo bee doo

Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing, a ring  
I don't mean a phone  
Santa baby, and hurry down the chimney tonight

Hurry down the chimney tonight  
Hurry down the chimney tonight" Snape finished brightly.

Voldemort was quite pleased. He even got so into the performance he jinxed Snape to dance and even give McNair a lap dance! All the other death eaters laughed and cheered. Some even sang along.

"Ok I think that is enough singing." Lucius Malfoy said airily.

"Lucius you are not the Dark Lord. You can not dictate such things." Voldemort said silkily.

After that Voldemort muttered an incantation leaving Lucius wearing a little santa outfit that seemed to be from Victoria's Secret. Lucius then seemed to be getting quite a bit of catcalls.

"Wow Lucius who knew you had such great legs." Voldemort stated sarcastically.

Lucius immediately flushed in embarrassment and retaliated. I myself am not quite sure what possessed him to retaliate to the Dark Lord but he did. Lucius hit Voldemort with a spell that left him in candy cane costume! Oh the blasphemy! The death eaters, despite their fear of the dark lord, couldn't help laughing insanely. Voldemort then decided to spell Wormtail's clothing into a snow flake costume. Soon there were spells flying everywhere.

By the end of the great Christmas costume battle there was a candy cane, snow flake, a sexy Mrs. Claus, a reindeer, a Christmas ornament, a ginger bread man, an angel, and a Christmas tree! Oh it was absolutely hilarious to see these hardened death eaters in Christmas costumes! I'm sure any self respecting wizard would have laughed themselves silly. Thankfully Severus was kind enough to sneak a picture and save it for Harry as a Christmas present.

Just then Draco Malfoy, followed by Crabbe and Goyle, walked into the den where the Dark Lord and his followers were celebrating.

"What is going on here?" Looking at his father in disgust.

"Well it is our Christmas celebration. Don't ruin my fun or I'll have you crucioed until your eyes bleed." Voldemort said sweetly, if that is possible.

"Rrriiiggghhttt." Draco looked positively scared.

Crabbe and Goyle on the other hand seemed to think the idea to be a fun and transfigured their clothes to be more Christmassy. Draco simply rolled his eyes at the idiots.

"Well I guess we should end this little festivity so we can slumber. I want it to be Christmas morning already so I can open my presents! Ohhhh, I wonder what Potter got me this year. Last year it was a muggle cell phone. I sent him a lovely portrait of Hogwarts I painted myself last year. This year I got him that DVD he kept raving about, you know the one about a guy who is a wizard and he keeps saving the world from this bad wizard. He apparently adores the movie so I sent a minion out to retrieve it for him." Voldemort said excitedly.

"Um, excuse me My Lord. Why do you and Potter exchange gifts? I mean aren't you mortal enemies?" Draco asked looking terribly confused.

"Oh well besides my whole take-over-the-world thing and his hero thing we get along quite well. We chat all the time you know. Ahh there is just so much you don't know." Voldemort explained.

"Right, I'll take your word on that one." Draco said.

"Yes, considering I am the Dark Lord and all. Now lets end this with a nice big group sing along of We Wish You a Merry Christmas?" Voldemort asked. Everyone cheered and began singing..

**We wish you a Merry Christmas;  
We wish you a Merry Christmas;  
We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.  
Good tidings we bring to you and your kin;  
Good tidings for Christmas and a Happy New Year.**

Oh, bring us a figgy pudding;  
Oh, bring us a figgy pudding;  
Oh, bring us a figgy pudding and a cup of good cheer

**We won't go until we get some;  
We won't go until we get some;  
We won't go until we get some, so bring some out here**

**  
We wish you a Merry Christmas;  
We wish you a Merry Christmas;  
We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.**

The End

A/N Ok it was quite stupid but I hope you laughed anyway. Please review it even though it is a completely pointless story. Happy Holidays!

Sincerely,  
Flair Verona the Slytherin Queen


End file.
